In most circ*mstances, it can be very rude to ignore what someone says—and do the opposite. But in the case of a dinner party, overnight stay or other occasion that might bring you to someone else’s home, if the host says, “oh, no need to bring anything,” don’t listen, etiquette experts recommend.
“It’s never okay to arrive empty-handed in my book. Even the smallest gesture to show thanks for being invited is what matters,” says Myka Meier, a New York City-based etiquette expert, founder of Beaumont Etiquette and the author of Modern Etiquette Made Easy. “Hosting is hard work, and you want to mirror the effort they put into having you by bringing them a host gift.”
So what’s the story behind this charade, exactly, and what should we bring that will come across as respectful and generous rather than rude? We asked Meier and Jules Martinez Hirst, owner of Etiquette Consulting Inc. in Los Angeles, California to school us.
Why Hosts Say “Don’t Bring Anything”
A top-notch host wants you to gather while relaxing and enjoying—and they don’t want to add another task to your to-do list. However, it's always good manners to ask what you can bring, and it's even better manners to never show up empty-handed.
“No matter the occasion, if someone is hosting you, it's good etiquette to bring a small gift to show gratitude for being invited and for the hospitality,” Meier says. “Someone with good enough manners to tell you not to bring something will surely recognize the fact that you did.”
This shows your gratitude for the host’s hospitality and effort in hosting the event, Hirst adds. If you don’t bring anything, it can be perceived as a lack of appreciation.
Besides bringing a token of thanks to the host, Hirst shares a few other wise words to help us be the best guests:
- Don’t forget to RSVP.
- Arrive on time or at least within the first 15 minutes. Punctuality is a sign of respect.
- Once you arrive, ask your host if there’s anything you can do to help.
- Engage with fellow guests.
- Prior to leaving, make sure to thank the host face-to-face.
- After the event, send a handwritten thank-you note.
5 Ideas for What to Bring When Your Host Says “Don’t Bring Anything”
Now as far as that something you bring when they ask you for nothing, it’s best to try to tailor the gift to your host, Hirst says.
Consider one of these expert-recommended options:
A Floral Arrangement Delivered the Morning Of the Event
Whether it’s a Thanksgiving cornucopia, a beautiful holiday arrangement or a floral arrangement inspired by their zodiac sign, tapping a flower delivery service to drop a bouquet at their door hours in advance of the event means the host doesn’t have to scramble for a vase or place to display the bouquet when guests are streaming in.
Add a personalized note to let them know how excited you are for the event, and let them know it’s perfectly acceptable for them to tuck away the display so they can enjoy it alone. (This way, they won’t feel pressured to adjust their planned decorations, but can show it off if they like.)
Anything with a Story
Thoughtful gifts often have a deeper meaning, Meier explains, and can be great conversation topics. For example, if you live in a rural area and your favorite local farm shop sells terrific honey, dress up a jar with a big bow to share. Or if they love to travel, try Chicago-based Vosges Haut-Chocolat’s Exotic Truffle Collection. Inspired by “chocolatier and alchemist” Katrina Markoff’s globetrotting after she completed culinary school at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris, these chocolates are infused with spices, herbs, roots and botanicals to offer a taste of each place.
A Beverage Tailored to Their Preferences
If the host is a wine drinker, a bottle of wine is a safe bet, Hirst says. Just keep in mind that the bottle is a gift, and it may or may not be opened while you’re present. (“It would be best to let your host know it is for them to enjoy at a later time so the host does not feel obligated to open it,” Hirst recommends.)
If they don’t imbibe or are more of an early bird than a night owl, wrap a selection of premium teas or coffee beans. Any royals-obsessed tea-drinker—or teetotaler—will swoon over something like VAHDAM India’s Weekend in London 9-Tea Gift Set. The London-themed package comes with tin caddies filled with all-natural teas, including Darjeeling, English Breakfast, Earl Grey Citrus, and Masala Chai.
We’re also wild about Atlas Coffee Club’s 3-month World Coffee Tour gift subscription. It’s a buzzy gift that keeps on giving. Each month, they’ll score a new delivery including coffee and notes about the culture for a different growing region.
A Homemade Baked Good
This is a brilliant option if you’re aware of the host's food allergies or preferences (if they have any). Nearly everyone appreciates something home-baked, Meier believes, whether it's a loaf of your signature sourdough or a batch of fudgy brownies.
You’ll score bonus points if you think of something brunch-appropriate—such as quick bread, coffee cake, scones or cinnamon rolls—to contribute to their morning meal the next day. Don't love to bake? We won't tell if you buy prepared croissants from Williams Sonoma, bake them at home and pass them off as your own.
A Gift For a Child (Human or Furry)
For the host who seems to have everything, you’ll likely earn brownie points if you arrive with a little something for a beloved member of their family, such as a book to add to their child’s library or a puppy-approved gift for their four-legged friend, Meier says. (Not sure if their kid is big into books? Check out our 23 best gifts for kids for even more ideas.)
Haute Diggity Dog Haute Diggity Dog Woof Clicquot Rosé Dog Toy in Green at Nordstrom, Size Large
The Bottom Line
When a host tells you “don’t bring anything,” they are “expressing their desire to take care of everything and letting you know that your presence is your most important contribution,” Hirst says.
A floral delivery, homemade snack, an addition to their beverage collection, a present for another treasured family member or any memento with meaning will all leave a lovely impression. Then after the event, send a handwritten thank-you note.
If you follow these etiquette tips, chances are high that you’ll be seeing an invitation back soon!
Karla Walsh
Freelance Writer
Karla Walsh is a Des Moines, Iowa-based freelance writer, editor, freelance writing coach and level one sommelier who balances her love of food and drink with her passion for fitness (or tries to, at least!). She has over 15 years of professional experience covering food, wine, travel, nutrition, health, fitness, psychology, beauty, relationships and beyond.
